by J.S. Buford
There is nothing worse than when someone dies with their music still inside.
And that is why you must be prepared, even welcome the fact that you must die. It’s time.
Each passing day reminds me of my mortality. I guess I’ve reached the age where news of someone’s death no longer startles me…because this year alone I’ve been privy to at least 20 deaths of family, friends, and friends of friends, and I gather the frequency will not abate much moving forward.
And when I reflect on many of their lives, there are a handful that I wished I would have whispered a realization I’ve been ruminating on for some time, before it was their time. And the reality of the matter, it’s a conversation I’ve been having with myself with decreasing frequency over the course of time.
I’ve accepted that You and I must die. We must welcome an expedient death. It’s time to die. Because, there is nothing worse than when someone dies with their music still inside.
So many live lives littered by dreams deferred. We allow our mistakes, errors in judgment, those tiny mishaps, or worse, the little, small slights of family, friends, and associations to splinter our ambition, squelch our resolve, and imprison the light that we all are born with deep inside. Our music meanders with a low, almost imperceptible resonance. So much so, that many simply forget that there was a time where we once sang, and laughed fancifully in delight more than we cried.
Worse yet, is when the inner self, the inner enemy, the innemy crystalizes; the synthesized embodiment of all the fears, anxieties, feelings of guilt and undeserved-ness, doubts, negativity, distrust, and dispraise coalesces straight through the bone, coursing into the marrow, infecting the soul. The imperfect programming personified.
The innemy’s voice.
You begin to ask yourself, who am I to be deserved. And it answers, You are not. Who am I to lead? And it answers, You are not worthy. Who am I to be excited? You’re best laid plans will be repeatedly torn asunder. Decisions become exercises in self-fulfilling prophesies of failure. Its voice growing louder with every disappointment, dismissive of every success, metastasizing with every breath.
And no matter how much you desire to change, believe your circumstances can change, the innemy is there. You prayerfully whispering my life is a blessing from God. The innemy responding, your embarrassment and past faults are too much, just give up.
The definition of CIDE: 1: killer <insecticide> 2: [Middle French, from Latin -cidium, from caedere]: killing <suicide> Origin of –CIDEMiddle French, from Latin -cida, from caedere to cut, kill
There is nothing worse than when someone dies with their music still inside. That is why it’s time to die. You, I must kill yourself, myself, so that You, that I, that was destined to be, can Live, and the captivating music, the story of who You, I, we are born to be can resound unabashedly again.
I, You must decide. You must cut it out. You must die. You must confront the innemy inside. Who are you, to tell me what I’m deserved of? Who are you to question whether I am worthy? Who are you to deprive me of my dreams? Who are you to circumvent my greatest intentions? The excuses. The feelings of pity. Grip the innemy by its spine. The loser in you. The recidivistic return to the comfort zone where the innemy resides.
You must die. I must die. It is time for a justifiable suicide.
Look those who would be your family and friends in the eyes, and stand in your conviction that the person they knew has died. Begin to pray again, believe again, allow yourself to cry. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Forgive yourself. Perfection is God’s work. Excellence is the work. And it’s in the doing, that you’ll find the strength to die. Sure you’ll fail, time and time again. But the stuff that life is made of, is the getting back up, and standing up taller, going further, farther, becoming more than the inevitable challenges that color our lives.
Just die.
You, I, playing small does not serve the world. Championships are won in the gym, in the discomfort of the weight room, under the glaring hot sun, during the long hours when others’ resolve has abandoned them; not under the bright lights. Courage is feeling the fear, and doing it anyway. Better to ask for forgiveness, then permission.
The harvest is the fruit, of fields tilled in the beginning. Love, the emotion, is merely the fruit, of time spent tilling the relationship. Success, a life of abundance and satisfaction, is the fruit, of time spent embracing, pursuing, molding the better You, I. Commit to grasping the shovel, and plunge it into the soil, with the certainty that the seeds, your gifts, your, my passions, beliefs, are worth striving for.
Stake the innemy in the heart. It’s ok. This is a justifiable suicide.
You, I, We do deserve. And though our end goal is not guaranteed. The price of not undertaking the journey is far greater, than the toll along the pursuit of happiness. The uber-majority of the naysayers aren’t on your dream board anyway. Many aren’t deserved of the fruit anyway. Besides, you’ll meet go-givers, the edifiers, spirits who will applaud the death of the innemy, and celebrate the splendor of your beauty along the way.
It will be exhilarating, exciting,….it will be Freedom. It’s time for a justifiable suicide.
There is nothing worse than when someone dies with their music still inside. There is nothing more liberating than when your music, not only magnifies your glorious death, but inspires other to slay the innemy, and throw their chains aside.
Embrace the reality that You, I, We, are valuable. Let us not cheat ourselves. Be deserved of the victory. Enjoy the accoutrements of success without guilt or reluctance. Become so full, so abundant, that your harvest, your earned harvest, my earned harvest, our earned harvest inundates, and spills over.
It’s time for a justifiable suicide. You ready?
Our Deepest Fear
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson